When your "normal" is everyone else's "overwhelmed"
A personal journey of discovering hidden stress and what I've been doing to "fix" it.
“The moral of the story is: We thrive when we have a positive goal to move toward, not just a negative state we’re trying to move away from.”
Emily Nagoski
Mid-last year, I finally admitted to myself that I was too stressed. (Ironically, this was before my RTT, or "really traumatic thing," that happened in December. What was I even stressed about?) This realization came partly from self-awareness but mainly from the harsh reality that my body was breaking down. The stress manifested as burnout, heightened states of being, and feeling like everything was moving too quickly (oh, and adult acne—THE WORST).
When I first got my Oura ring, everything seemed pretty standard. My sleep was good (though I'd never had issues with sleep) and my vitals looked fine. Then during one therapy session, while discussing my increasing feelings of anxiety and dread, my therapist asked me, "What does your Oura ring tell you about your stress levels?" We pulled it up together as I explained, "It's normal! Yes, some days it says I have a stressful day, but overall it seems my days are pretty normal."
I've never heard my therapist gasp until that moment. I looked at her quizzically. She quickly pulled out her phone to show me her Oura stress chart. As understanding sank in, I was horrified.
My chart next to hers looked wilder than the world's craziest roller coaster. On a "normal" day, my chart still had double, maybe triple the spikes of hers. Some days I never even dropped back into the "relaxed" zone. My "stressed" days showed 8+ hours of stress. (No wonder my body was breaking down.) She also has a high-intensity job, running her own clinic and seeing clients all day. I couldn't understand why my "normal" and her "normal" looked so different.
(Note: I now know that your Oura data doesn't compare you to others. It collects data from your cycles, health, and life. When it tells me I've had a normal day, it means normal for me. In other words, a normal day for me would be a stressful day in someone else's life. Over the years, my body had adapted to being constantly overloaded and had accepted this as its standard way of life.)
I’ve always been proud of my resilience and work ethic. Returning work messages and emails as soon as they landed in my inbox, taking time during vacations to help out my fellow team, and just always being “on”. It was engrained in me at a young age to always be reliable and dependable. I once won an award at work called the “get er’ done” award. No matter the circumstance, I’d always “get er’ done.”
Why this became an issue
The hustle culture mindset had served me well—mostly. It led me to grow quickly in my 9-to-5 while staying consistent with social media, YouTube, and several side businesses. At one point, I was creating content, working as a marketing director at my day job, running a workspace e-commerce business, AND managing a small Etsy shop selling handmade goods. While each venture grew successfully, I was blind to how rapidly my mental and physical well-being was declining.
The problem was I never felt stressed. It all felt normal to me.
Because I was constantly pushing my body and mind so hard, my stress (your body's response to a specific threat or demand) had built up into anxiety (a persistent feeling of worry or fear, often without a clear cause). This became "chronic stress"—when your body can't naturally complete its stress cycle and properly recover, staying in a heightened, fight-or-flight state. I wasn't giving my body enough time to reset before starting a new day and piling on more to-dos. My body was essentially stuck in the "on" position because I never gave myself the chance to release that stress.
That's the main issue with hustle culture—it glorifies this constant state of "on". It pushes the idea that success demands perpetual motion, constant productivity, and unwavering dedication to work. Worse, this mindset creates a dangerous narrative where taking breaks is seen as weakness, and rest becomes a lost opportunity.
What makes hustle culture particularly toxic is how it normalizes unhealthy work patterns. It transforms burnout into a badge of honor and exhaustion into a status symbol. When everyone around you celebrates overwork, it becomes nearly impossible to recognize when you're pushing too hard.
The culture creates a false choice: you're either hustling or stagnating. This black-and-white thinking ignores the truth that sustainable success needs both intense work and meaningful rest.
When your body stays in a constant state of stress, it can trigger several health issues:
Weakened immune system, making you more susceptible to illness and infections*
Digestive problems, including stomach aches, nausea, and changes in appetite*
Sleep disturbances, leading to insomnia or poor quality rest
Increased risk of anxiety and depression*
Physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, and fatigue*
Difficulty concentrating and making decisions*
Hormonal imbalances that can affect everything from mood to metabolism*
*These are the ones I struggled with
The scariest part is how these effects snowball over time, each symptom intensifying the others. Take sleep problems, for instance: poor sleep increases stress, which then makes it even harder to sleep, creating a cycle that's tough to break.
How I’m breaking the cycle
I can't say confidently that I've "solved" this issue—unlearning habits and a way of life sometimes takes years. What I can say is that my awareness of my body, how I'm feeling, and my work addiction has given me the power to take steps toward a life that encompasses both fulfilling, successful work and a relaxing, happy life.
Scott Clary, the host of the 10 Minute MBA podcast, posed this question in one of his episodes: "Why aren't you living your dream life now?" As someone who works independently and follows no one's schedule but her own, why am I not living the way I want to live? Whenever I create my perfect daily schedule, it looks something like this:
6:30 am - wake up (yes, I love the mornings), skincare, hygiene
6:45 am - movement (yoga, Pilates, stretching) & meditation
7:30 am - lemon water + coffee, breakfast if I'm hungry
7:45 am - read non-fiction book while I have my coffee
8:30 am - journal
9:00 am - creative work block (writing, filming, creating)
12:00 pm - lunch
1:00 pm - outdoor walk
2:00 pm - finish rest of day's work, take any meetings
6:00 pm - dinner
8:00 pm onwards - rest, reading, relaxing
(Note: this is an idea of what I want a typical day to look like. Not taking into account the days where I see friends, have social engagements, spend time with family, etc.)
I've had this dream schedule written out in my journal since last year. It took another 6 months before I finally realized that I can live this schedule. Right now. Starting today. I don't have to forgo my morning routine, mid-day walk, or evening routine for work. If something doesn't get finished today, it can wait until tomorrow. I don't have to follow anyone's schedule but my own! I work for myself, for heaven's sake! What am I doing not living this dream day?
When you break this schedule down, there are distinct parts that show that even before I recognized I was too stressed, I was already craving a slower day. In the mornings, I made time for a slow, healthy start. I include:
Something to close the stress cycle (movement)
Something to calm my mind (meditation)
Something to stimulate my brain effectively (a non-fiction read)
Something to help feel good physically (lemon water before coffee)
In the middle of the day, I make sure I eat (very important) and leave my office environment by going for a walk. In the evening, I have a digital sunset (or hard stop) and end my workday to prepare for another nutritious meal and wind-down time. These rituals break up my day, forcing me to step away from the screen and take my mind off work. At my worst, I wake up thinking about work and fall asleep thinking about work. Yes, most of it comes from genuine excitement for what I do! But part of it also stems from that unavoidable anxiety of working for yourself—of no longer receiving a consistent, comfortable tech salary, of everything hinging on you.
How to slow down and live your dream life
I know that not everyone reading this works for themselves or has the luxury of crafting their own schedule. So beyond establishing healthy rituals and routines in your day, here are some other techniques that helped lower my Oura stress chart significantly.
The physiological sigh
While you might be tired of hearing about breathing exercises, there's one science-backed technique that's particularly effective at calming your nervous system. Here's how to do it:
Take two quick inhales through your nose (like you're sniffing something twice)
Follow with one long, extended exhale through your mouth
Repeat 2-3 times whenever you're feeling stressed or anxious
You might notice it sounds like crying—that's because this pattern naturally occurs when we cry or recover from being startled. It's one of our body's built-in mechanisms for quickly reducing stress. I included this tip as a quick way to activate your parasympathetic nervous system and help calm an overloaded state.
Slow down your actions
This might be the silliest tip on the list, but it's been incredibly helpful. I noticed that when stress-induced anxiety kicks in, I start doing everything faster. I run down stairs instead of walking, skim instead of reading. I stir faster while cooking, jump between tasks more quickly, write faster, move faster—just live quicker. It becomes a cycle: the more anxious I feel, the faster I move, and the faster I move, the more anxious I become.
So when you get that feeling—when everything seems to be moving too quickly, when you're energized but perhaps too much, when your stress is bubbling over—take a deep breath. Then another. And another. Then deliberately slow down whatever you're doing. At first, it'll feel like you're moving in slow motion. Keep at it. You'll find that both your heart rate and your perception of time will gradually slow with your movements.
Don't overeat
I'm definitely someone who finds comfort in food and often overeats when anxious. While it might feel soothing in the moment, stress-eating can create a harmful cycle. When we overeat, especially foods high in sugar and carbs, it leads to blood sugar spikes and crashes. These fluctuations can intensify anxiety and worsen our stress response.
Moreover, overeating can cause physical discomfort, bloating, and digestive issues—all of which can increase anxiety and make us feel less in control of our bodies. The guilt and shame that often follow overeating can also heighten stress levels, creating a vicious cycle of emotional eating and anxiety.
If you're like me and turn to food when stressed, try these alternatives:
Drinking a large glass of water first - sometimes thirst masquerades as hunger
Slow down your eating - when it's time to eat, don't just scarf your food down. Put your phone away and taste each bite. Mindful eating (ugh, I know) can help prevent overeating by tuning into our body's fullness signals, plus we actually enjoy the food more
Finding alternative stress-relief activities - If you're seeking comfort, try something else instead of eating. Read, write, go for a walk. Often what we're craving isn't food but rather an escape from the stressor
Keeping healthy, portion-controlled snacks readily available - Rather than reaching for high-carb, high-sugar foods, try a healthy snack instead. I've really been enjoying these OhMe! Freeze Dried Strawberry Yogurt Crunch snacks.
Create routines that work for you
We've all seen those "million-dollar morning routine" videos (or at least I have), but the problem with following someone else's routine is that it's not built for you. Everyone's different—when I tried the typical cold showers, heavy weight training, and protein-loading, I actually increased my morning cortisol levels, which was exactly what I didn't want.
This is why listening to your body and truly understanding yourself is crucial. To create routines that help your life, you need to know what feels good and what is good for you. The key is balancing activities you enjoy with healthy habits that might be less fun but beneficial. A routine isn't complete with just one or the other. The beauty of a ritual that becomes routine is that one day, these practices become habits—a natural way of life—and you'll love every moment of it.
Take supplements that support lowering your cortisol system
Note: I'm not a doctor and I can only give recommendations based on what's worked for me. I know GABA hasn't worked for some of my friends and everyone's body reacts to supplements differently. Please do your own research and consult a professional if you have questions!
I'm not one to rely on drugs for feeling better. However, I've learned that our bodies often lack key vitamins and minerals that affect how we process stress and anxiety. If you live in North America, you're likely deficient in Vitamin D. Many regions don't get enough sunlight exposure, especially during winter. Consider getting your Vitamin D levels checked—I've started taking supplements to help regulate mood and support my immune system.
I've also begun taking L-Theanine in the mornings and GABA/Magnesium at night. L-Theanine, an amino acid found in green tea, promotes relaxation without drowsiness. It reduces anxiety and stress by increasing alpha brain waves, associated with calm alertness. It works especially well with caffeine, smoothing out jitters while maintaining focus and mental clarity.
GABA (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid) is a neurotransmitter that calms the nervous system. As a supplement, it can reduce anxiety, improve sleep quality, and promote relaxation. Combined with magnesium, which regulates muscle and nerve function, it's particularly effective for evening relaxation and better sleep. Magnesium also helps manage stress responses and reduce physical tension. Though I sleep well naturally, these supplements help ensure my body winds down easily at bedtime and maintains quality sleep throughout the night.
Close your stress cycle
This is a valuable insight I learned from Dr. Emily Nagoski's book "Burnout." The stress cycle is our body's natural response to stressors—it has a beginning, middle, and end. In modern life, we often get stuck mid-cycle without proper completion. When stressed, our bodies release hormones and prepare for action (fight or flight). Unlike our ancestors who would physically fight or flee from danger, we often sit with these stress hormones circulating in our system.
According to Dr. Nagoski, here are effective ways to complete the stress cycle:
Physical activity: One of the most efficient methods to complete the cycle. Just 20 minutes of movement can signal to your body that you've successfully "escaped the threat"
Deep, slow breathing: Taking several deep breaths (about 5-6 per minute) for a few minutes can help regulate your nervous system
Positive social interaction: Even a brief friendly interaction can signal safety to your nervous system
Laughter: A good belly laugh can help shift your body out of stress response
Physical affection: A 20-second hug or other forms of safe physical touch can help complete the cycle
Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative activities can help process and release the stress
The key distinction is that addressing the source of your stress (the stressor) differs from completing the stress cycle. You might resolve a work problem (the stressor), but your body may still carry the physical and emotional effects of stress. That's why it's important to intentionally complete the cycle through one or more of these methods.
Understanding stress
Not all stress is harmful. In a Huberman Lab episode, Andrew Huberman discusses fascinating research showing how our perception of stress significantly impacts its effects on our body. While I've focused on stress's negative impacts in this article, research shows that people who view stress as enhancing rather than debilitating experience different physiological responses—their blood vessels stay relaxed, and their heart rate variability improves.
This mindset shift creates measurable biological changes. When people learn to view their stress response (like increased heart rate and faster breathing) as their body preparing for a challenge rather than signs of anxiety, they perform better under pressure and show healthier cardiovascular patterns.
The episode's key takeaway: stress isn't inherently harmful—it's a natural response that can enhance performance, boost immunity, and foster growth. Problems arise when we stay stressed too long without recovery or view all stress as negative. By reframing stress as a tool for rising to challenges, we can harness its benefits while minimizing its downsides.
With these tools and a reframed mindset about stress, you can take significant steps toward managing your cortisol levels and living a more balanced, fulfilled life. Remember, stress isn't your enemy—it's a natural part of being human. The key is learning to work with it rather than against it. By implementing these strategies and shifting your perspective on stress, you can build a healthier relationship with your body's stress response and create a life where you're not just surviving, but thriving. The goal isn't to eliminate stress completely, but to understand it, manage it effectively, and use it as a tool for growth and resilience.