Create balance, stop looking for it

My journey with the infamously elusive "work life balance"

“getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself. To let go of the one version of the story you’ve been telling yourself so that you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.” - Lori Gottleib in her Ted Talk

Every year I write down in my yearly intentions that I want to find more balance. Balance between work and life, between work and play, between health and enjoying foods that I love. At the end of every year, I feel the same dissatisfaction with the "balance" that I (didn't) achieve. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Am I undisciplined? I've even started to question whether "balance" is really what I'm looking for.

Where exactly is this invisible line that I'm trying to straddle? How do my dreams and ambitions fit into the picture? Is it even possible to "balance" work and life when you have lofty goals you're trying to achieve?

I spent the majority of my twenties searching for this arbitrary line that I'm supposed to be straddling. Terms like "work-life balance" and "work-life harmony" would come up in my searches again and again, along with the same tips shared in every article: Draw boundaries, learn to log off at the end of your work day, keep a separate space in your home just for work. Although I agree that these tips are great first steps toward having a healthier work-life balance, that's also where they stop being helpful.

I have to confess that I developed workaholic tendencies quite young. It started more as a restlessness—always feeling like I needed to be doing something. Whether that's engaging in an activity, seeing friends, reading, or writing. But as I started my career, both in tech and in content, tasks started building up and I was overjoyed that I always had something to do. Even now I find it hard to do nothing. There's a deeply rooted anxiety that creeps in as soon as I finish one thing, pushing me onto the next with not a breath in between.

After a few years of therapy, I started seeing patterns in the topics that would arise. I realized that this feeling stems from feeling like I'm not enough. I look back at some of the cultural mindsets I was raised around and see with more clarity. My parents did the best they could with what they had, but so much of what I was taught as a child was to appease other people, put others first, and shove down any emotions I may be feeling. The people-pleasing tendencies along with the feelings of not being enough have grown over the years to encompass the feeling that I'm not doing enough.

Besides culture, there are a few other sources this grew from: having immigrant parents who really struggled with their careers in North America; always being told that finding a job and making money was the most important thing; taking over the role of eldest daughter when my older half-sister left home at 17 (meaning I was 5); becoming the sounding board and emotional punching bag in my parents' divorce. I'm incredibly thankful for all that my parents have done to help me grow up, but the environment in which that happened didn't exactly scream "safe and secure." I never really learned to just stop and take a breath.

As I walk toward this next decade of my life, my feelings toward life have changed a lot. I've started to understand that "busyness" does not make a business. That overworking is actually a flaw rather than something to be proud of. That it's okay to have days where you don't do anything at all—"Reit-off days" as Ali Abdaal calls them.

These lessons did not come easily. As with most things in my life, I chose to learn them the hard way: through breakdowns and panic attacks; through getting seriously ill at the end of each year when I finally come up for air; through my skin showing every moment of stress and anxiety I felt throughout the year via adult acne. For the first time in 30 years, a question bubbled up in my mind: "When will I learn?"

When will I finally learn to be balanced?

During the last quarter of 2024, I decided to make "slowing down" a priority. I experimented with this in different ways:

• having a hard stop for work around dinner time

• never missing a morning routine

• meditating every morning

• taking L-theanine in the AM and GABA in the PM to help with my cortisol levels

• literally slowing my actions down (walking, doing things, cooking) and trying to unlearn my rushing tendencies

All of these felt like small strides toward a life in which I didn't fall apart every few months. But lo and behold, when the second week of December hit, I got terribly sick again. In those moments of vulnerability, I felt like I'd failed—like all those steps did absolutely nothing. "Back at square one," I thought.

My therapist often reminds me that growth isn't linear. You don't start building habits and then everything in life magically fixes itself. The steps you take do indeed compound over time. Life, health, and work aren't as black and white as some people make them out to be. My overall personal growth journey has been nowhere close to linear. I've grown. I've fallen. I've gotten back up. So why is it so difficult to remember that sometimes?

As with years past, I also have "balance" on my list of intentions this year. The difference is, I've decided to reframe how I look at balance. Instead of trying to achieve it or find it, I'm going to create it. So much of my growth over the years has come from turning inward and listening to myself more. So if you've also been lost and confused—trying to find balance—here's how we're going to create balance for ourselves.

How to create balance instead of just looking for it

Essentials from my morning routine: Red light panel for red light therapy while I meditate and my morning pages journal.

Carve out time for a “you-focused” routine.

"I don't have time for a self-care routine." I hear this often and it's an excuse I've used many times myself. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. The difference between you and someone who has a routine is that they prioritize it because they've learned to prioritize themselves.

It doesn't matter if you're a morning person or a night owl—the goal isn't to follow someone else's routine. Create your own that works specifically for you. Identify the activities that help you feel calm, centered, relaxed, and grateful, then incorporate them into a routine. Pick a time of day and stay disciplined about practicing that routine daily.

Here's what my "me-focused" routine looks like:

AM

Hygiene, skincare, movement, lemon water, coffee + breakfast, meditation, journaling, reading.

PM

Shower, skincare, reading, sleep

These routines, beyond being peaceful and mindful moments, build resilience against everything else you have going on. We all have our own worries, stressors, and hardships. Taking time daily to actually care for yourself is the best way to ensure you have the energy and motivation to continue building the life of your dreams. Because ultimately, isn't that what we're all trying to do?

Remind yourself of what actually matters.

How often do you take time to zoom out and look at the bigger picture? I talk about this a lot in my podcast, Feel Good Lab, but everything you do has to start with self-awareness and understanding yourself. I used to be terrified of thinking about the bigger picture—what are my goals? What's driving me? What's my why? What am I working toward?

Your purpose comes first. When you figure out what drives you, whether it's a long-term goal or a short-term goal, that purpose becomes your north star and helps you navigate both good times and hard times. With a purpose in mind, the little things stop feeling so heavy. And when you learn to stop stressing about the small stuff, life suddenly feels a whole lot easier.

I know this is easier said than done, but carve out some time this week to think about what you'd LOVE to achieve. In 12 months, what's something you would feel really proud of accomplishing? Or make it easier for yourself and focus on 3 or 6 months instead. It's okay to not know what your "end goal" is. Nobody has it all figured out. But don't do yourself a disservice by moving without a purpose.

My purpose includes knowing that I have to take better care of myself so that I can do the things and accomplish my dreams.

Set boundaries…even with yourself.

We've all heard by now that we need to set boundaries with work, with family, and even with friends—but what boundaries have you set with yourself? On the surface level, we've all set boundaries with ourselves before: low-buy years, diets, working out more. The goals and intentions we set for ourselves are often just boundaries we've created around our lifestyle, geared toward a specific purpose.

These little acts of discipline are a great way to push yourself toward specific goals and create more structure in your life. Digging a little deeper, we can use this concept of "boundaries" to work on the areas of our lives that need a little extra TLC.

I love using the Wheel of Life exercise to help me identify which areas of my life need focus. To do this, draw a circle on a piece of paper and divide it into 9 equal parts. Each third of the pie will represent a larger area in your life. Those areas are:

• Relationships

• Health

• Mission/Career

Then under each of the larger areas, you're going to break them down into further categories:

Relationships

• family

• friendships

• romance

Mission/Career

• personal growth

• money

• joy

Health

• mind

• body

• soul

Once you have these areas mapped out, give each section a rating out of 10 based on how satisfied you currently are with each area of your life. When complete, you'll have a better idea of which areas need more attention. Your goal is to identify these areas and then figure out how to set boundaries that will help improve those scores. If it's money, maybe set a budget. If it's your body, perhaps commit to exercising four times a week. Get specific with your boundaries so that you're creating structure around what you want to achieve.

Don’t be afraid to ask for support

Just like you would at work, it's okay to delegate and ask for help in your personal life as well. When you're overwhelmed at work, the protocol would be to let your manager know and seek help from your team. What about when you're overwhelmed with life? Who in your support system can help you out?

Look to your partner, friends, and family. Or if you need a little more support, seek professional help from a therapist or online community. One of the best things I've ever done for myself is start therapy. I see therapy as a way to talk through things I can't figure out on my own and to gain the skills and tools to work through similar challenges in the future.

With my loved ones, when I'm struggling with something, I know my friends are always there to talk me through it. If I'm feeling overwhelmed with work, I can count on my partner to help with life tasks. However, you won't get this support if you don't ask for it—definitely one of the biggest lessons I learned in my 20s!

One of my favorite pictures from my friends trip to Milan last year.

Growing up with "eldest daughter syndrome," asking for help was one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome. Honestly, it's still not something I'm 100% comfortable with, but by communicating my struggles more openly, I've realized I don't have to carry all the weight on my own. The people who love me are happy to help where they can, just as I would for them. Not only does this make your life smoother and lighter, but this vulnerability also strengthens your relationships.

Figure out what energizes you and what drains you

Back to the self-awareness piece—it's critical you consider what in your life actually energizes you, and what drains you. Think about the activities, people, and environments in your life. Which ones leave you feeling inspired, motivated, and full of energy? And which ones leave you exhausted, drained, or just plain empty?

This isn't necessarily about categorizing things as "good" or "bad"—it's about understanding your personal energy equation.

For example, I know that while I adore my friends and social gatherings can be incredibly fulfilling, as an ambivert, too many social events in a row will leave me completely depleted. On the flip side, a morning of reading, journaling, and quiet reflection fills my cup in a way that allows me to be more present and engaged in everything else I do.

A great exercise I learned last year that brought a lot of clarity to this matter is this:

• Create two columns on a piece of paper

• In the first column, write down everything that you did this past week when you were feeling drained. Be honest here. The first time I did this, my list was filled with things like "scrolling TikTok, checking my stats on YouTube, scrolling Instagram, etc."

• In the second column, write down everything that actually energizes you. My list included things like reading, making things with my hands, going for a forest walk…

When I compared the two lists, there were maybe only 1 or 2 overlaps. It made me really think: why wasn't I doing the things I know energize me?

I love good journal prompts, so here are some more questions to help you identify your energizers and drainers:

• After spending time with which people do you feel uplifted versus depleted?

• Which work tasks do you find yourself looking forward to versus dreading?

• What environments make you feel calm and focused versus anxious or scattered?

• What activities make you lose track of time in the best way?

• When do you feel most like yourself?

Creating your own version of balance is the journey, not the destination

The biggest lesson of 2024 for me was that creating balance in your life isn't about achieving a perfect equilibrium where everything feels exactly right all the time. That's an unrealistic standard that will only leave you feeling like you're constantly failing. Instead, it's about the continuous process of checking in with yourself, adjusting your priorities, and making intentional choices that align with what truly matters to you.

The tools we've discussed—creating personalized routines, zooming out to see the bigger picture, setting boundaries, asking for support, and identifying your energizers and drainers—are all strategies to help you create YOUR version of balance. Not someone else's idea of what balance should look like for you.

Remember that balance looks different for everyone, and even for you, it will look different during various seasons of your life. Sometimes you'll lean more heavily into work, other times family will take priority, and occasionally, you'll need to make yourself the focus. The key is being intentional about these shifts rather than letting life happen to you.

So stop looking for balance as if it's some distant destination you'll eventually reach. Instead, recognize that you create balance through your daily choices and adjustments. It's not about perfection—it's about progress, self-awareness, and giving yourself grace along the way.

What small step will you take today to create more balance in your life?

Creating balance my own life

Phewf! I’ve been ruminating on this one for a while. To be honest a lot of the topics I write about start out in my journal. Their thoughts, opinions, and ideas that come up in my day-to-day or that I’ve learned through experience. I hope this reaches you at the right time and can help you create more balance in your own life this year.

Angel xo