Being alone when you're sick sucks

On rethinking independence

I’ve been sick 6 times this year and it’s only August. While I’ve hated every moment of it, it has forced me to reflect on why I keep getting sick but also how I feel about independence.

Some time last year, I made the connection between my weakened immune system and me constantly trying to push through burnout. I wanted this year to be about not overworking, but moments have come up time and time again when life got overwhelming and I didn’t choose to take a break.

While I remained horizontal for the second day in a row last week, I realized that what I missed most wasn’t my productivity. It was company. Someone to be there, even quietly. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t take care of myself. I just missed having someone there.

I don’t typically think about how another human fits into my life day-to-day. Truthfully I could’ve given my last partner a lot more of my time. I got so used to revolving my life around my work schedule that now, one year post-corporate life, I’ve forgotten that I create my own schedule. I have the power to choose what to focus on and how to use my time. Yet I continue to fill all that time up with work.

Now that I’m single, of course I’m thinking about relationships way more than when I actually had one. It’s easy to look back and see where my shortcomings fell—how I should’ve spent more time thinking, and more importantly acting on, our relationship. The things I could’ve done better. Then suddenly, the dots start to connect. And the thoughts start to spiral.

I work too much.

I’m not sure I’m working for the right reasons.

My body is trying to tell me to slow down.

My ex was trying to tell me to slow down.

I should’ve slowed down.

I was reading Emilie Mendham’s new post on loving yourself through chronic illness, and it prompted me to think further about how I treat myself.

I’ve trapped myself in a cycle of constantly trying to improve, build, and grow without giving myself a way out. There’s no end. Just more to do, more to learn. I may have taken Miley’s song a little too literally. Sure it is nice to enjoy the climb, but when we lose sight of the destination, what are we even climbing for?

And from the relationship stand point: If I can’t love myself enough to rebuild my immune system to a point where I’m not getting sick an absurd amount, how can I expect to love someone else properly? How can I expect someone to love me?

The truth is I push away people and try to carry it on my own because I am scared to rely on anyone. Maybe because I don’t think I deserve to, and maybe I need to learn how to love myself even in rest. Even when I’m not creating anything, just as I am.

I want to start putting life, love, and myself front and center. They shouldn’t live as fleeting thoughts in the “extracurricular moments”. I know they’re important to me because in my happiest moments, it’s all I think about. Who I want to share the moment with, how I want to treat myself better. And in my most vulnerable moments, when I’ve just spent 20 consecutive hours drifting in and out of sleep from the discomfort of beings sick, the only thoughts that come to mind are “I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I wish I had taken care of myself better.”

Maybe only when life asks you to slow down—and you finally listen—do you realize that no matter how much “you love being alone”, having a partner is a beautiful thing. That even though you’re chasing your dreams, your health should always be your number 1 priority.

I’m perfectly capable of being on my own and taking care of myself. I just need to stop pretending I don’t crave the kind of love that shows up with soup.

If you want to see what I’m wearing + doing throughout the week, connect with me on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok!

Angel xo